Never Let Go Read online

  Noah resists at first, pulling back just enough that there's this gap between us, enough to let a cold swirl of air drift between our bodies and chill me right to the bone. As soon as I start to shiver though, he gives up and switches gears, taking control of the kiss and pushing even harder against me. My own hand is trapped between us, rubbing up against the front of my jeans as I pleasure him, drawing this electric frenzy in the air to its zenith. I can feel the friction between us catching on the raindrops, zapping them with this energy that refuses to dissipate, no matter how hard I kiss or how fast I move my hand.

  I'm seriously considering dropping to my knees right then and there, falling into the mud and taking Noah into my mouth, teasing his body with my lips until he gives up and spills himself in my throat. Holy crap, Zella, I think as I try to reign myself in, to convince myself that this is a mistake. Instead I just squeeze tighter, move faster. Faster. Faster.

  Noah groans and spasms against me, muscles tightening, the fingers gripping my left arm bruising as he comes in my hand, shaking and collapsing against me. The pressure of his body, the heat, the rain crashing down around us and blanketing us from the rest of the world, it's almost enough to make me snap. I want to kick down the walls I've built and just go for it, grab him by the shirt and shove him to the ground, ride him until he tells me that he loves me a hundred times over.

  Maybe he can sense that emotion in me because he opens his eyes, lips hovering just a fraction of an inch from mine. I start to withdraw my hand, but he grabs my wrist, holding it there, kissing me again and locking me in place.

  “Don't stop,” he tells me, even though my fingers are wet with more than just water now. I gasp as Noah releases my wrist and reaches for the button on my jeans.

  “Zel-LA!” The scream that echoes through the woods makes us both jump and pull back. Noah struggles to get his pants in order while I try to figure out how to clean my hand off in the middle of the woods.

  “Shit, damn, and fuck,” I growl as I see two copper heads bobbing down the pathway towards us. How much did they see? Why are they even here? Never said they weren't supposed to be here yet. For lack of a better alternative, I drop down into a crouch and thrust my hand into a dirty puddle near my feet. Better that I confront my little sisters with fingers dripping with mud rather than … than Noah's cum. “Crap.”

  He looks down at me, eyes wide, but lips twitching in suppressed amusement. When he offers me a hand to help me stand up, I take it, and we both freeze there, eyes locked on one another.

  “Were you guys seriously making out in the rain?” Lettie asks as she stumbles to a panting stop nearby, her pink leggings suddenly splattered with droplets of mud as both dogs splash through the puddles to greet her. If she were a year older, I'd tell her that making out in the rain is like heaven, that if she can find a guy that makes her forget the icy downpour and the mud and the drops of water snaking their way between her breasts, that she should count herself lucky. I have no idea why I don't take my own advice. When neither of us answers right away, she decides to add, “with Noah.” Like that's the most disgusting thing in the world. Noah Scott. Honorary Regali family member since God only remembers when. Since Never met him in elementary school? Or was it kindergarten? God forbid I'd be making out with that guy.

  “You're fourteen years old, fairly astute, with a decent dollop of common sense,” I tell her as she wrinkles her nose at me, “you figure it out.”

  “That's so gross,” Lorri chimes in because, you know, she's eleven and she knows freaking everything right now. I examine the two of them in their yellow rain coats and plant my hands on my hips. We exchange hazel eyed glares for a moment before Noah speaks up.

  “Is everyone here already?” he asks, and although he sounds as chipper and friendly as normal, I can't help but think he must be disappointed, too.

  Lettie shakes her head.

  “Just us and Jade. We left India behind with the kids until Beth gets back. After Never and Ty left, Lorri threw a massive temper tantrum.”

  “No, I didn't,” Lorri snaps, shoving her sister in the arm. Lettie ignores her and crosses her arms over her budding chest, ever the adult. Goddamn it. I can see evidence here that I'll be carrying around my own personal Mini-Me shadow this week. “You're a lying bitch, Lettie.”

  “Screw you!” Lettie yells back as I step between them and hold up my hands in surrender.

  “That's enough,” I snap, letting the frustration of being interrupted leak into my voice. There's nothing that makes a person quite so cranky as losing out on the chance to get some. I sigh. “Just a little reminder here that if Beth hears you guys using those words, she's going to kill you. And also, Noah and I are trying to have a private conversation, so can you please go on inside and I'll catch up with you later?”

  Lorri sighs, but turns away and takes a few steps before she realizes her sister isn't following her.

  “I want to hang out with you guys,” Lettie says, all casual like. I watch as she leans against a tree and keeps her arms crossed over her chest. I grit my teeth and try not to lose my temper. I'd really, really like to get back in that house and wash my hand off without an audience. “Even if you're doing weird shit like playing in the mud. Aren't you like twenty years old or something? A little old for that, don't you think?”

  “First of all, don't say shit. You can't say shit until you're sixteen. Second of all, fuck off and leave me alone.” I use my clean hand to grab her by the arm and shove her ahead of me down the path. “Now go. Noah and I will be right behind you.” Lettie grumbles something under her breath about me being mean, but eventually moves away to join Lorri. I watch after them and wait until I think they're out of hearing distance before turning to look at Noah.

  He's staring at me with a bemused smile hovering around his lips. Crap. When he looks at me like that, I get all of those warm, gooey, fuzzy feelings they talk about on the Lifetime channel swirling around inside my chest. I swallow hard. Where my sisters might say Noah, ugh when they think about me kissing him, all I get is butterflies. To me, he's not just Noah but Noah Nolan Scott, the guy whose hands fit perfectly around mine, whose eyes are such a sharp, piercing blue that even the sky can't compete. I take a deep breath.

  “That was … close,” I mumble, shaking droplets of mud off my hand and watching as his eyes follow the movement. The bemused smile wavers for a moment before his brows crinkle in embarrassment and he glances up at me with an apologetic expression. “Don't even,” I whisper as he steps forward and I take a step back. “Don't say you're sorry. This wasn't you.” I wave my hand dismissively. “It was us.”

  Us.

  The word sounds loud in the sudden silence as the rain pauses briefly and unleashes bright rectangles of cold sun across the world. The light filters between the naked branches of the trees and slides across my skin.

  “I meant what I said,” he tells me, taking a step closer. I take another one back and he pauses, looking perplexed by my behavior. Hell, even I'm perplexed by my behavior. I just don't know how to voice what I need to say, how to explain it to him so that it all makes sense. “The only person I want is you.”

  “Stop it,” I growl at him, clutching my right wrist with my left hand, like it's been burned or something. Noah watches the movement and then looks back up at my face. His blonde hair is dark with water, little droplets running down his forehead and the bridge of his nose, dripping onto his red wool coat. I hate how cute he looks in it. It's intoxicating. I mean, I think Ty McCabe is hot – who wouldn't? – but I've always been a fan of Noah's look. He's got this all-American quality to him, but without taking it to that privileged, spoiled, asshole level that Tobias does. He's sweet, he dresses nice, and his kisses burn the lips off my face. Two days in and already my resolve is crumbling away into nothingness.

  “Zella, why can't we talk about this? Work it all out from point A to point B. You have to be feeling at least some of the same things that I do.” He takes yet another step closer
, but I hold my ground. There's another tree at my back and nowhere to retreat to without looking like I'm trying too hard. “I've missed the hell out of you this past year. I miss our phone conversations, our emails. I thought about hopping on a plane and coming to see you so many times.”

  “Only you didn't,” I add, remembering how long the summer months felt without him by my side. Instead of coming home, I spent the break hanging out with Tobias and his friends. We did a lot of fun stuff, sure. Tobias has money; he can do whatever he wants. It wasn't the same though. I'd much rather have spent my summer lying on a blanket next to Noah and watching the clouds, than at one of Tobias' massive house parties. I cross my arms over my chest and glance away. My sisters are out of sight now, the dogs too. It's just me and Noah and the few fresh sprinkles of rain dotting the spot of sun on my arm. “You thought about it, but you didn't.” I don't know how to make things any clearer than that, so I turn away and start off down the path. When I get to the end of it, I glance back to see if he's followed me.

  He hasn't. And therein lies the problem.

  If Noah can't even chase me to the end of the trail, how can I expect him to chase my frantically beating heart? Catch it in his hands and hold it until the end of forever? How? How? How?

  11

  “I swear, everyone's getting action around here except me.”

  I'm standing in my bra and underwear glaring at my little sister and trying not to scream.

  “When the door to a room is closed, that usually suggests the person inside wants a little bit of privacy. Can I not change my clothes without an audience?” I pause and stare Lettie down, wondering when she made the transition from child to … to teenager. Gross. I hate teenagers. “And you do know that getting action doesn't mean kissing, not exactly. Most people use it to refer to sex.” Lettie wrinkles her nose and shrugs, like she hasn't just made a verbal faux pas. When she makes no move to leave the room, I grab a fresh pair of jeans and a black tank top before retreating into the bathroom. Hopefully, this is one closed door she can respect.

  I dress as quickly as I can and run a comb through my hair, touch up my makeup, and brush my teeth again. I have to or I won't be able to forget the feeling of Noah's mouth on mine.

  “Were Ty and Never just kissing when we walked in or something else?” I roll my eyes as I step out of the bathroom and wrangle my feet into a pair of slippers.

  “I don't know, Lettie,” I say because I really don't. There's a distinct possibility that something else was exactly the item that was on the menu. “I didn't see anything.” I pick my dirty clothes up off the floor and shove them into the white wicker basket near the bedroom door. My little sister's eyes follow my every move, absorbing, cataloguing, copying. She's even changed out her pink leggings for some jeans, and has donned the Stallions T-shirt I got her for Christmas last year. Great. “Now why are you in here again?” I ask as I open the door and gesture for her to exit ahead of me.

  “If I can't come to my older sister for advice,” she asks, “then who?” I roll my eyes and push at her back, forcing her down the stairs and into the living room. Ty and Never have disappeared along with their baby, leaving Jade and Lorri sitting on the sofa next to Noah. This, I can handle. Being with him in the context of family makes things a lot easier to deal with.

  “You guys are here early,” I say to Jade, wondering if there's more to the story than just Lorri throwing a temper tantrum. My sister stares at me like I'm stupid and then rolls her eyes. If she was ornery before, she's gotten ten times worse since she turned twenty-one. Despite our close proximity in age, I can't say that Jade and I have ever really been friends. She puts up these walls that are so covered in spikes that just dealing with her for five minutes can make you bleed. I want to get inside them, figure out what makes her tick, but it just doesn't seem like a possibility right now. Whatever she's going through, she's apparently happy to go at it alone.

  “Why does it even matter?” I wrinkle my nose and feel a frown tugging at the corners of my lips. What's wrong? Your drinking date with Daddy got cancelled? I want to say that, but I don't. It'll only make things worse for everyone – especially Never. But what I don't get, what I can't even remotely understand, is why Jade would go visit a man who tried to touch her, who we all know for a fact murdered our real father. I don't care that Jade's dad isn't biologically the same man as mine, she was his for all intents and purposes. He raised her.

  I cross my arms over my chest.

  “Wow. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed. What's your freaking problem?” I know I'm starting a fight. I try not to, but the words just slip out. I try to ignore the fact that Noah's looking right at me.

  “Maybe you're one of them, Zella? I knew as soon as you got back, you'd start bothering me like everybody else. I don't understand why I can't be a part of this family and still have a life of my own.” Jade stands up and disappears into the kitchen. Hopefully to grab a slice of Noah's pie because she needs to eat. She looks so much skinnier than the last time I saw her.

  “Bitch,” I whisper under my breath, moving over to the couch and then pausing as I spend way too much time analyzing where exactly it is that I should sit.

  “I don't bite,” Noah assures me and then smiles as he holds out a hand to indicate the seat next to him. Don't be a weenie, Zella. I decide to take it and plop down like it doesn't even matter, like I don't feel every inch on my body that brushes against his. I curl the fingers of my right hand against my palm and try to ignore the sensation of having them wrapped around his cock.

  Noah leans against me and whispers in my ear.

  “Unless you want me to,” he says which gives me chills down my spine. When he pulls back, he's still smiling brightly, not a hint of naughtiness etched anywhere on his face. “Should we finish the movie we started last night or start a new one?”

  “Start a new one,” Lorri says, snuggling up against Noah's right side. Despite all their whining and complaining about him, they aren't shy about showing their affection for the guy either. I try not to feel jealous of my eleven year old sister. “And nothing that's black and white. I hate black and white movies.”

  “You're really missing out with that attitude,” Noah reassures her as I watch him out of the corner of my eye. It'd be really easy to lean back, drop my head to his shoulder and just relax there. Even better if he put his arm around me and held on tight. “But we can start a new movie anyway. I guess I can suffer through watching something in color.”

  “Haha,” Lorri says, snuggling his arm and getting all nice and cozy with the guy I like. But refuse to acknowledge. I curl my toes into the couch and stand my ground, watching as Noah selects a new movie and pushes play. As soon as it starts, he's leaning forward and putting his chin on my shoulder. In the back of my mind, I wonder what he's been doing with my family for the past twelve months. What if he was cozying up to India or Jade the way he cozied up to me after Never left? I feel icy chills shoot down my spine and find myself leaning into his touch. I am so dumb. Seriously, this is getting to be borderline ridiculous.

  “Thanks for the hand job,” Noah whispers, voice pitched so low that I more feel his words than hear them. And that's all he says before he wraps his arms around my waist and practically pulls me into his lap. Goose bumps break out all across my skin as Lorri grumbles and moves away, frustrated that I've now taken over some of her prime snuggling space.

  “You're welcome,” I whisper back as the sounds of the movie blare around us from Noah's fancy surround sound system. It's distracting, but at least it masks the sound of our voices. “Now let me go.”

  “No.”

  Before I can start my protesting, Ty and Never reappear from their room looking satisfied in a way that makes my chest hurt with longing. I want that so bad it's not even funny. Spending two years in a relationship with Tobias has made that even more obvious to me. He's never been the affectionate type. Even though he told everyone I was his girlfriend, took me on trips, spent t
he night with me, I felt more like a fuck buddy than anything else. I guess I was using him, too, so it's only fair, but still. I watch as Ty sticks a cigarette between his lips and pauses at the bottom of the stairs.

  “Is this that movie where the deranged reindeer kills everyone and then shits candy canes?” Lorri starts snorting maniacally, but I just give him a look with both brows raised.

  “Now that is one I have not seen. What on earth are you talking about?”

  “Ignore him,” Never says, wrapping her fingers around Ty's arm and tugging at it until he relents and lets her follow him outside. I glance over my shoulder to see if Noah's looking at them, but he's not. For once he's actually still looking at me. I turn away and try to refocus on the movie. I have no idea what we're watching because I don't care. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that Noah has his arms around me and it feels so damn good.

  “Is that why you're angry?” he asks me, and it takes me a second to figure out what he's referring to. “Because I didn't come after you?”

  “It's more complicated than that,” I whisper back, wishing we'd been able to talk this all out in private. “Way, way, way more complicated.” I look up as Jade walks back in from the kitchen and takes a seat on the opposite side of the sofa.

  “Can we talk about it?” he asks me, his arms tightening imperceptibly around my waist. I sigh softly.

  “Talking didn't do us any good last time,” I remind him, but he just chuckles in my ear, making it really hard to say no.

  “It did me some good,” he says, and a smile blossoms unbidden on my lips before dying away again when I see that Jade's glaring at me from across the room. “Zella?”

  “Not here,” I say because if I'm going to say even half the things I want to say, I'll probably break down and cry. I don't want my sisters to see that kind of emotion on me. Hell, I don't want anyone to see that kind of emotion on me, but if it has to be someone, it might as well be Noah. Maybe I can finally iterate everything I'm thinking when I pull away from? Maybe he'll finally be able to understand where I'm coming from? “Later.”